Timbuktu.

    It was literature contest between students from two of the most world-wide famous universities:
    Cambridge and Oxford.
    Task was to write a short poem containing word "Timbuktu".
    Here are the answers:

    Cambridge:

    Through the raging desert sand
    Came an endless caravan.
    Man and camel - two by two,
    Destination: "Timbuktu".

    Oxford:

    Tim and I on hunting went
    Passing by some hookers tent
    They were three and we were two
    I booked one - and "Tim booked two".

    Really bad day

    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day
    they died. St.Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

    The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I
    searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on to the balcony, we live on the 25th floor,
    and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.He fell,
    but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act
    gave me a heart attack, and I died."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
    "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I
    twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came
    out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes.  But, then the guy dropped a
    refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

    "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Court transcripts

Believe it or not, these court transcripts are for real. It's ashame they couldn't record the reactions of the juries.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Dead or Alive?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

How cynicism starts

Cynic is a man who knows the value of nothing and the price of everything.
Romantic is a man whose values are overpriced.
Misanthrope is a man whose prices are overvalued. Thus misanthropes usually sponsor romantics and that is the best way to meet them.
That is how cynicism starts.

French and American

A French man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when an American sits down next to him.

The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

"You French folk eat the whole bread?" asks the American, with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"

The American blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks:
"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croissants, and sell them to France."

The American has a smirk on is face. All the while, the Frenchman listens in silence.

"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the American.
"Of course!"

The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles:
"We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to France."

"And, what do you Americans do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the Frenchman.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the American, with a dumbfounded look.

The Frenchman explains:
"We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our new program of Special High Intensity Training. (S.H.I.T.).

We are striving to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company. If you feel that you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T., please see your manager, you will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our managers are especially skilled in seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Department of Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) those who fail to take S.H.I.T. will have to go to Employees Attitude Training, (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

Since our managers took S.H.I.T., they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore because they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T.,you may be qualified to train others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T).

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss in General (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

To study languages...

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a busstop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language". "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Going for the gold

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought
he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.  "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question.  My husband claims
to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Fast thinking

One day a man walked into the fresh produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.  Walking into the backroom, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce" as he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from my son?"
"Minnesota sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Minnesota?" the manager asked
The boy said, "Sir there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding sir! What team did she play for?"

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties:
Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.

Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties:
Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and
thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Computer idiots

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following help desk real reports.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.  The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read Word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. A Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his office.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.  After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid."  The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" 3D responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.  Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.  "The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

11. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in.  It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters
Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters.
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

13. True story from a Novell NetWire technician:
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller:  "Yes,  it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?  How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer.  I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X' on it."
At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive!

HOOK LINE AND SINKER !

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced:

"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience!" The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

" I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch........" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its brilliantly polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of dazed eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it accidentally slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit !" said the hypnotist.

It took one week to wash and clean up the theatre...

Cat story

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the
phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out
soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.......